i am coming back

sometimes things get to be too much and you have to take a break, intentionally or not.

i've been doing nothing, creatively speaking, aside from a few photos and cooking, for months, but now i feel ready to get back in. and its not just because pat has created a mega-studio next to my desk (because now we live together (!!!) even though we miss devo) with a 12" x 17" scanner and giant wacom screen. i'd rather stay away from the computer if i can and figure out how to work without it. maybe even figure out how to draw.

i've felt so removed from things, but i feel like its time to take charge again and do some things with my life. sometimes its very tempting to just come home in the evening and watch tv while eating toast and drinking beer. with my new job i won't be tempted because daytime tv is totally boring and i won't drink very much at all anymore and i'll go to the ymca to swim and i'll be so healthy and creative.

i think i was coming to these goals before i got offered this job, but it certainly made things more realistic. i felt like i had been half buried in the sandy sludge bottom of a pond overgrown with algae and depleted of oxygen. i felt like if i could poke at my brain it would just blob-jiggle in place like one of those opaque jello-molds, but instead of being a nice, cheery early 60s color like peach, it would be sickly gray-green-brown. i was pretty sad, pretty down-trodden feeling. when i started feeling better maybe a month or month and a half ago, and not feeling like i was just being pushed along in a lazy river current, i really felt like i was coming up out of the dark, into the surface of the water, where i could breathe again. maybe like a fish feels at the end of winter when they begin to thaw and can jump up out the water into the sun again. i don't know where all these water metaphors are coming from. i guess i miss the ocean.

anyway, my point is, sometimes we're all there at the bottom, but we come out of it, eventually. i like this part of the summer. i like the humidity. hazy nights make me feel more connected, like my body's dissolving into the air around me and mixing into everything else.



on that note, looking at pictures of my young grandparents with my baby uncles and aunt and mom makes me feel pretty sad, but i always forget and look at the pictures anyway.

i need a tim gunn in my life

can i get a hell yes

i feel too old to be writing about how sad i am and whining about how i can't do anything because i don't know what to do or how do to it or not knowing what i'm good at or what i want to do. but i absolutely feel stuck and can't get over myself. i also feel extremely inarticulate, which doesn't help anything.

some june is rose month preparationssss:

after the goldrush

my internet connection's been too weak to blog lately. i'm still feeling like an insane person most of the time. sometimes i see people that i kind of know on the street or on the subway and pretend that i didn't really see them. i have no idea how to talk or what to say to people, especially people that i didn't really know very well in the first place. i also cried today while watching what not to wear. i don't know what to do with myself.

regardless, mostly today was really nice, at brooklyn flea, and habana outpost and fort greene. maybe if i just keep busy experiencing things, even though i can't seem to busy myself with creating things, i'll be able to get somewhere eventually.

monday = friday, once a month

sometimes when i come home from work, i just want to watch tv and have a drink for a little while; does that make me a gross person? i like to think not. i take solace in the fact that once in a while i have weeks like these where i don't have to work very much and i can work on my own art/work. tonight there were four cats skulking around in a gang (or pride) around the mourning dove cote a few yards over. two were sitting on the roof, one was on the ground, and one was patrolling the fence which backs up to the yard with the dog that barks all the time. i didn't see or hear anything after it got dark, so hopefully they didn't kill any birds.

this is the view from the bathroom at one of my jobs:

emergenC

usually my day off goes like this: i spend a while flopping around in my apartment, then i take a shower and put on some weird outfit. at that point my head usually starts to feel floaty and compressed at the same time because the only thing i've probably had to drink is too much coffee and hardly any water. then i try to get myself to clean or make something but a lot of times i just sit in my chair and look around while thinking about things. i just don't know what the hell to do with myself.

so far today i also made a playlist called BFD thats supposed to make me feel excited and active, and i considered producing a graphic novel about my life while i was in the shower even though drawing frustrates me most of the time and not much of note has really happened to me. it could just be a series of funny/sad things. here're some photos from recently:

eggsellent

from left to right: fortune-teller egg, mama-babushka egg, papa-mustache egg, and jr egghead. happy spring!

take a dip

art on art.

we thought maybe we'd have an early night tonight at work. NOT. i wish i could scan all the beer bottle caps and tea tags that are on my desk without someone asking what i was doing.

i know i can make it through

i made this the other day after we watched degrassi and i felt a little sad. if only i didn't feel tired and unmotivated most of the time and felt like waving this flag around instead. i would make so many brilliant things!